I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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