Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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