dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
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