I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
nutella sex= disaster
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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