so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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