Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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