I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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