gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
