and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
