I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
