Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
