Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
