My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
