I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
