At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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