Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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