Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
