my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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