I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
