I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
