I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
