Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
