That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
