Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
