I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
