Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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