Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
