Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
