Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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