I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
jump out the window naked night went bad
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
