i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
