Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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