Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
