Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i think my cat just said my name.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
