We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
