Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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