I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
