she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
