I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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