if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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