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Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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