new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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