I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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