if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm always down for nudity.
The ass gains better be worth it
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
