I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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