there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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