It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
