im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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