Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
