Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
