he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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