Nicole vs. Life
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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