no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
