Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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