help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
