She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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